Emma, Grandma, Wolf, and Woodsman
by sakuravampire-aqua
Summary: Emma wanted to visit her grandmother one day and decided to do just that. Sadly, a wolf got involved and wanted to stop her for some strange reason. A random woodsman who was lurking near Grandma's house then saves the day before ruining the story.


**AN: If anyone's wondering, this is Little Red Riding Hood, featuring the Tomato Gang.**

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_**Emma, Masculine Grandma, Smoking Wolf, and a Random Woodsman**_

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who lived in a village. She was apparently like everyone else, seeing as how she actually lived with other people. Why it needed to be stated that she lived in a village is unclear, but apparently it is needed for this story.

Oh, and this village was near a forest.

Very safe.

Yep.

Anyways, she's a beautiful young blonde-haired woman who wore a dress that went to her knees. A dress that looked like a cute little patchwork. She wore a pink apron over that and a red riding hood over the whole outfit when she went out.

Everyone called her Emma, for that was her name. Little Red Riding Hood is just a silly nickname, and who in the world wants to be called by something that silly?

Actually, sometimes the baker called her Em. And that cute guy down the road called her Emmaline. Then there's that old woman on the other side of the village who called her Gretel…She's a senile old thing, so Emma never takes it to heart.

One day, Emma decided she wanted to go see her grandmother, since it has been a long time since she's seen the old woman. So, since it was decided she'd go see her grandmother, Emma made sure to pack some tomatoes, her grandmother's favorite food. The woman was so strange, loving the red fruit…Wait, a tomato is a fruit, right?

Argh! Back on track, don't get distracted from the story!

So, once a basket was filled with tomatoes, Emma left her home.

"Don't stray from the path," said a random passerby, seeing that Emma was heading into the woods. "The woods are dangerous."

Of course the woman already knew this. She's old enough to live alone, so she must know how dangerous the woods could be.

"Don't worry sir, I'll be careful," she assured the random man who will probably never be mentioned again once she stepped into the forest.

As Emma walked along the path, alone and vulnerable, she saw some beautiful flowers. Her grandmother would surely love flowers as a gift…Well, she couldn't hate them at least.

Unless she was allergic to them.

The young woman was almost positive her grandmother wasn't allergic to any flowers, so she continued to pick the flowers, only to get distracted by some of the wildlife.

That one butterfly is definitely eye-catching.

It was so eye-catching in fact, that the woman never noticed the shadow come up behind her. How she wouldn't notice a shadow, that would be sure to cover her form, no one will probably ever know. Maybe she was drunk. She was of legal drinking age. Then again, so was her grandmother.

Maybe Emma should've brought a bottle of wine as well.

Suddenly, but not so suddenly if you realize he was just creeping behind her, a wolf appeared by Emma's side. The wolf was actually a tall man, by the name of Abel, with spiky blond hair. There was a scar over one of his eyebrows. The guy was dressed in a black jacket that was half zipped, grey pants that were tucked into tall boots, some wolf ears and wolf paws, and a wolf tail.

"What're you doing out here all alone?" he asked before taking out a pipe and smoking it. No need to question the substance in the pipe…It's possibly something that _shouldn't _be there.

"I'm on my way to see my grandma," Emma answered the stranger. She's definitely not the smartest one around to tell a random stranger, who looked creepy and was just creeping behind her, what she was doing. "She lives near the river." And then she tells this random creeper where her Grandmother lives. Intelligence at it's finest indeed. A quick glance at the sun's position showed how late it was. "Oh sorry, excuse me." The apparently not so smart blonde took off trying to get to her grandma's house before it got too late.

The wolf though, took a shortcut. How smart is that guy? She said the old hag lived next to the river. Does he know how many rivers there can be in the woods? How does he know which one she lives near?

Maybe he's a stalker and goes to each and every river and remembers everyone who lives near them…Not many people would live in the woods though, to be honest.

And why the hell is an old woman living alone in the woods at all? She could catch a heart attack and no one would ever know. And it must be hell walking all the way back to the village just to get groceries. Unless she doesn't get her groceries…

Now it makes one wonder how she manages to eat…

Anyway, the wolf was out of breath by the time he reached Grandma's house. If he ran there, of course he'd be out of breath. If he wasn't, he'd be a super-wolf or something. Once he finally caught his breath, he knocked on the door.

"You're finally here!" Grandma yelled, thinking the knocker was Emma. "Come on in! I was wondering if something had happened."

Abel let himself in, since he was invited in of course. The man's not an animal. He does at least wait until invited in.

Grandma, who went by the name of Lovino and was actually a man with short brown hair and a wild curl, didn't get the chance to say another word before the wolf tied him up and tossed him in a closet. Lovino was then upset for two reasons.

One, he was tied up. Two, he was in a nightgown and the skirt had gone up so he was feeling a little chilly.

Ignoring Grandma's curses from the floor of the closet, the wolf dug through the clothes to find a nightgown he liked. He cursed the man on the floor for even owning any nightgowns and picked one out, along with a frilly sleeping cap. Why the man on the floor owned nightgowns, let alone sleeping caps, the world may never know. A little bit of perfume was also put on, for good measure, so that he could smell like Grandma. Again it brings questions to mind on why the man also had perfume, instead of cologne.

A few minutes later, Emma knocked on the door. The wolf jumped into the bed and pulled the covers up enough that only his eyes showed. His pipe was hidden under the pillows of the bed. "Who is it?" he asked in a voice he hoped was convincing enough to be Grandma's.

Grandma was currently staring at a wall in the dark, trying to see if he'd be able to count the clothes in the closet when his eyes adjusted.

"It's me, Emma!" Emma called back to who she thought was her grandmother.

"Come in!"

When Emma entered the building, she could hardly recognize her grandmother. Some must really wonder why she couldn't recognize her…

"Grandmother, your voice sounds odd," Emma pointed out. "Is something wrong?"

"I just have a little cold," the wolf answered before faking a cough.

"Grandmother, what big ears you have," Emma observed as she slowly inched closer to the bed.

"The better to hear you with, my dear," the wolf replied.

"Grandmother, what big eyes you have."

"The better to see you with, my dear."

"Grandmother, what big teeth you have." Actually, he has normal teeth, eyes, and ears. They're just going along with the story-line.

"The better to eat you with, my dear!" the wolf shouted before jumping out of bed and chasing the young woman.

Emma, being a smart woman, figured out that was _obviously_ not her grandmother that was lying in the bed only moments before. So, she took off like a bat out of hell yelling for help. "Help! It's a wolf!"

A woodsman, by the name of Antonio, who was chopping logs nearby like the creeper he is heard the woman and ran to her aid. Antonio had short brown hair and wore some outfit that involved a vest, tight pants, and high socks. Why he was conveniently near the house when he was needed, is another question that will forever be unanswered.

When Antonio reached the house, he took to beating the wolf (in rock, paper, scissors) and demanding for Grandmother back. How he knew the wolf had taken her, no one knows, but he's a creeper so no one bothers to ever find out. Just as no one bothers to find out any other thing that has happened thus far.

The wolf pointed to the closet, causing the woodsman to run to it to. Inside Grandma was just humming a random tune to himself. If it needed to be known, it was a very cheerful tune.

"I was so scared for you," Emma cried, hugging the still tied up man. "I shouldn't have been distracted in the forest."

"It's alright. You've learned not to talk to strange people." Grandma felt awkward since he couldn't pat Emma's back. "It's good you shouted loud enough for that random woodsman, who was being a creeper near my house, to hear you."

"Oh Lovi, I'd be anywhere if you are there!" Antonio shouted, pulling Emma away and hugging Lovino.

"Ugh, get off of me you bastard. You're ruining the story. You're supposed to be carrying off the wolf right now."

Everyone stared at the wolf, who was currently smoking his pipe that contained a mysterious and possibly illegal substance. He glanced down at Antonio.

"Him, try to pick me up?" A snort escaped him. "Good luck with that."

"You guys!" Emma whined. "Come on! Couldn't you last long enough to finish the story?"

"We did finish the story," Antonio answered, picking up Lovino out of the closet. "And now the huntsman shall ravage Grandma."

"No!" Emma scolded. "You didn't carry Abel away! I wanted to finish the whole thing since it was somewhat difficult to convince Lovi to wear a nightgown all day."

Abel blew a bit of smoke from his mouth. "It wasn't that difficult. You just told him that if he wore it, it'd be easier access for Antonio once we were done."

"You did this for me?" Antonio asked, fixing the binds around Lovino so he was stuck to his bed. "You're so nice Emma!"

Emma sighed and waved him off before grabbing her brother's, Abel, hand. "Yeah yeah. We're just gonna go and talk to that crazy old lady in town. I want to see how many more ways she can mess up my name."

"Make sure the brat can still walk after you're done," Abel stated as he was dragged out of the house.

"No guarantees!" Antonio called back to the retreating siblings.

"What the hell?" Lovino shouted. "You traitor! You said you wouldn't say anything!"

"I lied!" Abel's voice echoed.

"Have fun you two!" Emma's giggly voice echoed.

"I hate you all…"


End file.
